Marriage, Muslims, and Crushes

I went to an Islamic School.

That sentence in and of itself means a lot. At least for those who know what I mean.
I had very little to no exposure to Muslims for the first few years of my life. By the time I actually did find myself in the situation in which I was surrounded by hijabi-wearing 10 year olds and Quran-holding kids, I had certainly not expected any mix between the genders. At least not the way people tend to depict it in public schools.

I like to think that I was naively oblivious to the happenings of the school. However, some years after attending Islamic School, I began to hear those godforsaken ‘rumors’ that spread because with a population that small, they were the only way to keep students’ minds busy.

“Kathy has a crush on Rob.” “nooo, Rob does not like Kathy back…ew…”

In fact, although I was a freak and a geek rolled in one, two girls one day decided to fulfill their curious ideas and speculations and cornered me one day, “Soo, we know you like Thomas…and that he likes you back…it’s SOOO obvious.” This, because I spoke to him once or twice in…oh wait, in PUBLIC. “uhh, no, I actually don’t. In fact, I think I’m a bit young for any of this.” (Note, these girls were actually younger than me) However, they both raised their eyebrows and one of them smacked my arm saying, “riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, okay, whatever floats your boat.”

Of course this does nothing to cover the fact that whenever I turned around at random junctures to face an empty hall, I spotted one or two ‘couples’ ‘hanging out’. At the time, however, I suspected nothing.

By the time I hit my last year at Islamic School, I began to see it all. I had the especially fun job of locking up doors during lunch hour, a new way for cramming students in the cafeteria at the time. I didn’t have such a problem with it, until, well, a problem came up.

One day, as I rushed around trying to lock doors and such, I found myself at the end of a hallway and spotted two girls and a guy talking in muted tones. They didn’t notice me.

I whistled louder. Reaction.

The guy jumped a couple inches and then sped off to his left, running into a room. The two girls crammed themselves into the corner of a wall and began to awkwardly recite a book out loud.

I can tell you at this point, I could have cared less about what the heck they were doing. The only thing I could think of however, was just how embarrassed I felt. I locked the room the guy was hiding in and closed it on him. The two girls giggled and twitched and I felt chills run up and down my spine. I rushed down the hall without much fanfare and locked the last two doors before sitting in an abandoned corner and crying silently to myself. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, shocked and upset. All at the same time.


Why do they think it’s so funny? How could they ACT like that? Don’t they care? Why am I crying?!

I was overwhelmed by these minor experiences during my years at Islamic School. Even now, after I’ve left the situation, I wonder, why is it that an Islamic School, an institute in which the principles of Islam are taught, has students that blatantly step all over its boundaries and break the most basic understanding we all have? Yea, sure, we all agree in principle at these oh-so-inspirational youth conferences that certain boundaries cannot be crossed with the opposite gender. Yet, why is that the second we leave that conference room, the boundaries are all thrown out the window and then these typical boy-girl scenarios start playing themselves out?
As Muslims, we are still human. I realize that. Feelings are not to be downplayed. Certainly. HOWEVER, I do believe that these ‘rules’ and ‘boundaries’ we have created for ourselves are in place for a reason. Sure, talking to your guy or girl friend is NOT going to end up with you holding a baby in your arms. However, the eventual scenario is possible. Over time, by hanging out with this person in a secluded place can lead to hand-holding, kissing and then, well, biology. This is the reason why we set lines at the forefront of guy-girl relationships. As Muslims, we don’t date for this reason. Dating, at least in the current, modern American society no longer has the function of ‘getting to know the other person for the purpose of marriage’. Rather, at least as far as I’ve seen, it’s a way to ‘gain experience’ in the complex world of relationships.

Personally, I find it a lot more romantic to ‘gain experience’ in the world of relationships with that one single partner whom you will always be with till the day you die. Of course, also, seeing as how no person is exactly alike, no matter how many relationships you have, you will NEVER have a grasp on the complex web of thought and emotion put into any future relationship you have. Given that the next person you end up with is not the same as the last.

On another note however, crushes are crushes for a reason. If you consider yourself in love with someone, ask yourself the following questions: (a) are you willing to marry this person sometime in the future? (b) if this person has agreed to ‘go out’ with you, do you consider their faith strong enough to fuel your marriage in the future? (c) if you’re not planning to marry this person, why are you going to step into this relationship? (d) How will you feel if your spouse had histories of ‘going out’ with various people in your own Islamic community? (e) Now look at yourself.
If you are not willing to openly, publicly declare your interest in this person as a future spouse, if you’re not willing to talk to you parents about a possibility in marriage with this person, there’s something wrong with the scenario.

Some of you may bash me, “oh but what if you don’t know you want to marry that person yet? It would be sooo embarrassing if our families got involved and then, oh my gosh, we didn’t get married.” No. My silly friend, it would be embarrassing for you maybe, but what if you two were secretly getting together and then, as usual, the Muslims community began spreading vile rumors about you two, and then your parents found out about it? THEN, how embarrassing would it be for both of your families, and yourself? Compare and let me know. Also, realize that you were going about it the right way. What wrong did you commit that you should be embarrassed? It’s the same reason that people divorce. You weren’t compatible. Only, that you didn’t have to marry first to come to that conclusion.


TO BE CONTINUED.