Marriage, Muslims, and Crushes

I went to an Islamic School.

That sentence in and of itself means a lot. At least for those who know what I mean.
I had very little to no exposure to Muslims for the first few years of my life. By the time I actually did find myself in the situation in which I was surrounded by hijabi-wearing 10 year olds and Quran-holding kids, I had certainly not expected any mix between the genders. At least not the way people tend to depict it in public schools.

I like to think that I was naively oblivious to the happenings of the school. However, some years after attending Islamic School, I began to hear those godforsaken ‘rumors’ that spread because with a population that small, they were the only way to keep students’ minds busy.

“Kathy has a crush on Rob.” “nooo, Rob does not like Kathy back…ew…”

In fact, although I was a freak and a geek rolled in one, two girls one day decided to fulfill their curious ideas and speculations and cornered me one day, “Soo, we know you like Thomas…and that he likes you back…it’s SOOO obvious.” This, because I spoke to him once or twice in…oh wait, in PUBLIC. “uhh, no, I actually don’t. In fact, I think I’m a bit young for any of this.” (Note, these girls were actually younger than me) However, they both raised their eyebrows and one of them smacked my arm saying, “riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, okay, whatever floats your boat.”

Of course this does nothing to cover the fact that whenever I turned around at random junctures to face an empty hall, I spotted one or two ‘couples’ ‘hanging out’. At the time, however, I suspected nothing.

By the time I hit my last year at Islamic School, I began to see it all. I had the especially fun job of locking up doors during lunch hour, a new way for cramming students in the cafeteria at the time. I didn’t have such a problem with it, until, well, a problem came up.

One day, as I rushed around trying to lock doors and such, I found myself at the end of a hallway and spotted two girls and a guy talking in muted tones. They didn’t notice me.

I whistled louder. Reaction.

The guy jumped a couple inches and then sped off to his left, running into a room. The two girls crammed themselves into the corner of a wall and began to awkwardly recite a book out loud.

I can tell you at this point, I could have cared less about what the heck they were doing. The only thing I could think of however, was just how embarrassed I felt. I locked the room the guy was hiding in and closed it on him. The two girls giggled and twitched and I felt chills run up and down my spine. I rushed down the hall without much fanfare and locked the last two doors before sitting in an abandoned corner and crying silently to myself. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, shocked and upset. All at the same time.


Why do they think it’s so funny? How could they ACT like that? Don’t they care? Why am I crying?!

I was overwhelmed by these minor experiences during my years at Islamic School. Even now, after I’ve left the situation, I wonder, why is it that an Islamic School, an institute in which the principles of Islam are taught, has students that blatantly step all over its boundaries and break the most basic understanding we all have? Yea, sure, we all agree in principle at these oh-so-inspirational youth conferences that certain boundaries cannot be crossed with the opposite gender. Yet, why is that the second we leave that conference room, the boundaries are all thrown out the window and then these typical boy-girl scenarios start playing themselves out?
As Muslims, we are still human. I realize that. Feelings are not to be downplayed. Certainly. HOWEVER, I do believe that these ‘rules’ and ‘boundaries’ we have created for ourselves are in place for a reason. Sure, talking to your guy or girl friend is NOT going to end up with you holding a baby in your arms. However, the eventual scenario is possible. Over time, by hanging out with this person in a secluded place can lead to hand-holding, kissing and then, well, biology. This is the reason why we set lines at the forefront of guy-girl relationships. As Muslims, we don’t date for this reason. Dating, at least in the current, modern American society no longer has the function of ‘getting to know the other person for the purpose of marriage’. Rather, at least as far as I’ve seen, it’s a way to ‘gain experience’ in the complex world of relationships.

Personally, I find it a lot more romantic to ‘gain experience’ in the world of relationships with that one single partner whom you will always be with till the day you die. Of course, also, seeing as how no person is exactly alike, no matter how many relationships you have, you will NEVER have a grasp on the complex web of thought and emotion put into any future relationship you have. Given that the next person you end up with is not the same as the last.

On another note however, crushes are crushes for a reason. If you consider yourself in love with someone, ask yourself the following questions: (a) are you willing to marry this person sometime in the future? (b) if this person has agreed to ‘go out’ with you, do you consider their faith strong enough to fuel your marriage in the future? (c) if you’re not planning to marry this person, why are you going to step into this relationship? (d) How will you feel if your spouse had histories of ‘going out’ with various people in your own Islamic community? (e) Now look at yourself.
If you are not willing to openly, publicly declare your interest in this person as a future spouse, if you’re not willing to talk to you parents about a possibility in marriage with this person, there’s something wrong with the scenario.

Some of you may bash me, “oh but what if you don’t know you want to marry that person yet? It would be sooo embarrassing if our families got involved and then, oh my gosh, we didn’t get married.” No. My silly friend, it would be embarrassing for you maybe, but what if you two were secretly getting together and then, as usual, the Muslims community began spreading vile rumors about you two, and then your parents found out about it? THEN, how embarrassing would it be for both of your families, and yourself? Compare and let me know. Also, realize that you were going about it the right way. What wrong did you commit that you should be embarrassed? It’s the same reason that people divorce. You weren’t compatible. Only, that you didn’t have to marry first to come to that conclusion.


TO BE CONTINUED.

It’s a little thing called Unity

I remember while going to Islamic School, several of the “seasoned” public-school-going Muslims around me would brag about their countless “non-Muslim” friends. Although in retrospect that type of bragging right seems ridiculous, at the time I was in awe. This wasn’t limited to just myself however, most everyone else were also shocked into instant admiration for the one who had “non-Muslim friends”. Now, as a student in the nation’s most populous public university, I can hardly say I am envious or in admiration of those who have non-Muslim friends. In fact, at this time of my life, I feel as though the several good non-Muslim friends I have can’t even compare to those timeless relationships I made throughout my life back when I was heavily involved with the Muslim community.

I’ve been shy for the majority of my life, one of the most frustrating attributes about myself that I have yet to overcome entirely. Even sitting in an Islamic school, in the same exact classroom with the same exact classmates for 4 years was not enough for me to even bravely say that I was “friends” with them. Yet, during those hours where I sat on the far corner of the room, I began daydreaming of crawling out of my shell and having countless non-Muslim friends. You can imagine the scenario I’m sure. Over time, these dreams kept growing into massive behemoths that gave the promise of reality when I shot myself into a large university such as ASU. However, given my own personality and the cruelty of reality, my fragile dreams were shattered. That’s not to say I hid in a dark corner and mumbled riddles under my breath for the two years I’ve been here, however. With my own wily ways, I managed to maintain a justified number of friendships. Some of them became stronger and more resilient than others. In fact, I could go so far as to say, some reached the level of “best friend-ness”. According to my previous youthful high school standards, this should have been the peak of my friendship happiness scale. However, after a while, I realized it wasn’t.

All humans have a certain comfort zone, and for some reason, Muslims (or at least for the several hundreds of Muslims I’ve met) have a much more open comfort zone for people of their religion as opposed to say, laymen Christians or Jews. For instance, perhaps this feeling is exclusive to myself, but no matter where I go, whenever I come within 30 feet of a hijabi sighting, my heart will soar, my eyes will enlarge, my feet will start dancing and the next thing that poor girl will see is a frantic Chinese Muslim waving emphatically while screaming blurs of “salaams” at her. Similarly, it only takes one meeting and a half for me to first begin bear- hugging most of my new hijabi acquaintances as though we’ve been friends for years. Not having researched this, I can’t say why this happens. However, it was because of this peculiar enlarged comfort zone that I felt this sense of belonging among Muslims whose identity or personality I had no notion of, and that sense of missing that special something when laughing my feet off with non-Muslim friends; because, as much as we share similar traits or beliefs with our non-Muslim best friends, there is a constant barrier of religion.

Although sometimes we become frustrated with the nonexistent understanding of personal space, this sort of bonding between those of the same religion is irreplaceable. It is beyond the building of a relationship based on similar attributes or thoughts. Because if we do follow our religion in the same way, this similarity will instantly be a part of the foundation of a relationship between Muslims, and thus our Muslim friendships will become closer than our non-Muslim friendships simply because there are far more similarities beyond the same religious beliefs, ideals and thoughts.

I’m sure most of us have had some one or other mention to us the power of the people. This essay is no different. I’m definitely not emphasizing that we should drop all our non-Muslim friends and go running for cover with the “safe crowd of Muslims”, however I do feel that it’s important to help your Muslim friends and appreciate them more than your non-Muslim friends. This probably sounds brutal, however when you really get down to it, your non-Muslim friends are no more obligated to help you than they do a complete stranger. On the other hand, Muslims are obligated to help other Muslims (and of course non-Muslims). And for that reason, I say this: We need to get it together. Muslims aren’t doing a bad job of unity per se, but it could certainly use a little improvement. I realize that overcoming past grievances and conflicts among one another is tough; however we are Muslim, and to give up on the argument first, to forgive first, to extend your hand to the other first is your DUTY. As painful as your experience may have been with one Muslim family or one Muslim individual, you must realize that until we stand together, we as the followers of Islam will never define it as a religion.